Katou Yue | åŠ è—¤æ•… (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
autorejoin) wrote2011-12-01 06:41 pm
autorejoin) wrote2011-12-01 06:41 pm
Entry tags:
((OOC: Feelings/Turquoise/Kiracifer Essay Thing))
I have no idea how to start of an essay so I'mma just jump into it. Please feel free to NOT READ THIS, because I don't do sense very well.
Katou is really more of an introvert who likes to act like an extrovert. He's loud, he's brash, likes to swear and get into fights. He's reckless, he's shallow, he's lazy. He says what he wants to, does what he wants to, and if you've got a problem with it, fuck you. Who cares? Except that's a total lie. I hesitate to call it a mask… These ARE aspects of him, but he has a tendency to exaggerate them, to play them up as a shield.
But he does care. He wants to be loved, for people to care about him and accept him. He doesn't REALLY want to be hurt but he wants to be NOTICED, so he'll lash out and grab onto anyone who pays attention, good or bad. Which is partially how he became so obssessed with Kira in canon-- Kira showed Katou enough attention for Katou to cling to him like a lifesaver in an ocean. Not enough to get him on the damned rescue boat, because Kira had other priorities, but when you're drowning, you'll take what you can get.
In Aather, when Katou first woke up as "Clue", the "extrovert" was less of a shield and more genuine selfishness, an inability to understand how his own words and actions affected other people. He didn't seriuosly care about anyone or anything but himself. He knew he was supposed to be part of a team, Turquoise, but he attached very little meaning to it in the beginning. Apart from antagonizing Sanzo, not knowing what to make of Aeris 1.0, and having vaguely positive impressions of everyone (except Riku, but that was more ide care about this guy, whatever…), he just wasn't that into anything. And then his first earned memory was all about FEELINGS and drugs as escapism and not coping, and it was basically BOOM, emotional walls shutting down, with a dollop of "screw memories THAT SUCKED".
I'd have to look back more carefully for an exact timeline to be sure, but in the same general time period, several things happened: Antagonizing Sanzo became less genuine trolling and more... affectionate... trolling, stupid Sion was becoming important because he just has that way of nudging you until you pay attention to him, and Riku ragequit Turquoise.
It wasn't ragequitting Turquoise that irritated Katou- he was only beginning to care about them at all- it was Riku's attitude that pissed him off. He thought Riku was being a preachy, sanctimonious asshole, and whatever, fuck you, who needs you?
Sion eventually managed to convince Katou to take more memories-which was done all at once, which ended up with headaches, and the start of Turquoise's tradition of Sion's tea to go with memories. But Turquoise was very unstable around then- people kept getting Booked or lost in the forest, Sion quitting Turquoise to join Onyx (and if he hadn't promised to keep doing the tea thing, Katou would pretty much have ended up hating Sion forever for abandoning him), and Katou was losing what footing he had. He had no stability, nothing to hold onto.
He didn't really start to gain a sense of team identity until Ikki and Yayoi showed up. They ended up being the starting point where Katou really started to build up a life at Aather at all, really. They were immediately easier to relate to, easier to get along with. But it still was a while before he really felt comfortable, because people had come and go before. One of the major turning points was when Katou realized he was the senior member of Turquoise and didn't want the responsibility, so Yayoi took it.
There were other things that have affected his relationship with his team- Luke/Dawn jesus'd Katou into talking more about his memories with his teammates and trusting them with more of himSELF (although he's still bad at it). But these are basically the roots of where Turquoise stopped being meaningless to Katou and started being a fucked up, dysfunctional family unit for him… although he doesn't think of them in terms of "family, just… They're Turquoise. They're a group of individuals with their own lives/wants/needs, but at the end of the day, they're a unit. A place to go home to. They're the rescue boat Katou was looking for, that he found as "Clue". They're still in the middle of the ocean, and the damned boat didn't come with a paddle, but it's a step up from a life saver.
Pretty much everyone since Yayoi/Ikki has had some level of importance to Katou. Yayoi is… c-complicated (Katou's feelings for Yayoi could be a separate essay themself, LET'S NOT GO THERE), but she's basically ended up a combination of sister/leader/HUGE CRUSHthing. Ikki is TurqBro4Lyfe, even though he's been Book'd. Paul is some sort of of little brotherthing he never wanted and he loves to antagonize and annoy the crap out of (but no you can't seriously fuck with him, that's Katou's job screw you). Rolo is… kind of a stabalizing factor. In the end, he's the most level-headed person in the group, and he's well-grounded and unassuming… and kind of needs to learn to have more fun and let loose, but you can't have everything. Rin… Katou was a little jealous of Rin because of his relationship with Yayoi, but he really couldn't help liking him anyhow because he was like an overeager puppy that could set fire to things. Echo is that weird cousin you don't really understand all that well and sits in the corner and STARES AT YOU, but she doesn't seem like a bad sort. Tsuyu and Sakura are the babies so far, he doesn't have a firm grasp on them yet… but he'd totally have the hots for Sakura if he wasn't so into Yayoi because badass chicks are really awesome, okay.
So why does he still cling to his obssessive devotion to Kiracifer? Part of it is remembering his devotion to Kira, part of it is wanting to hold onto something solid- he does worry that the boat will capsize, and he'll lose everything with Turquoise, and Kiracifer's presence is something stabalizing to hold onto from his memoreis. He knows Kiracifer isn't the same as Kira- more recent memories have driven THAT point home- but he can't let go. He knows Lucifer is dangerous, doesn't trust him, but he CAN'T LET GO.
I don't know, I've really lost myself in this and I don't know if any of this makes any sense to anyone who isn't me. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY POINT WAS. I had one and then I lost it, whoops. You know what? If someone has questions for me just.... ask them...
Katou is really more of an introvert who likes to act like an extrovert. He's loud, he's brash, likes to swear and get into fights. He's reckless, he's shallow, he's lazy. He says what he wants to, does what he wants to, and if you've got a problem with it, fuck you. Who cares? Except that's a total lie. I hesitate to call it a mask… These ARE aspects of him, but he has a tendency to exaggerate them, to play them up as a shield.
But he does care. He wants to be loved, for people to care about him and accept him. He doesn't REALLY want to be hurt but he wants to be NOTICED, so he'll lash out and grab onto anyone who pays attention, good or bad. Which is partially how he became so obssessed with Kira in canon-- Kira showed Katou enough attention for Katou to cling to him like a lifesaver in an ocean. Not enough to get him on the damned rescue boat, because Kira had other priorities, but when you're drowning, you'll take what you can get.
In Aather, when Katou first woke up as "Clue", the "extrovert" was less of a shield and more genuine selfishness, an inability to understand how his own words and actions affected other people. He didn't seriuosly care about anyone or anything but himself. He knew he was supposed to be part of a team, Turquoise, but he attached very little meaning to it in the beginning. Apart from antagonizing Sanzo, not knowing what to make of Aeris 1.0, and having vaguely positive impressions of everyone (except Riku, but that was more ide care about this guy, whatever…), he just wasn't that into anything. And then his first earned memory was all about FEELINGS and drugs as escapism and not coping, and it was basically BOOM, emotional walls shutting down, with a dollop of "screw memories THAT SUCKED".
I'd have to look back more carefully for an exact timeline to be sure, but in the same general time period, several things happened: Antagonizing Sanzo became less genuine trolling and more... affectionate... trolling, stupid Sion was becoming important because he just has that way of nudging you until you pay attention to him, and Riku ragequit Turquoise.
It wasn't ragequitting Turquoise that irritated Katou- he was only beginning to care about them at all- it was Riku's attitude that pissed him off. He thought Riku was being a preachy, sanctimonious asshole, and whatever, fuck you, who needs you?
Sion eventually managed to convince Katou to take more memories-which was done all at once, which ended up with headaches, and the start of Turquoise's tradition of Sion's tea to go with memories. But Turquoise was very unstable around then- people kept getting Booked or lost in the forest, Sion quitting Turquoise to join Onyx (and if he hadn't promised to keep doing the tea thing, Katou would pretty much have ended up hating Sion forever for abandoning him), and Katou was losing what footing he had. He had no stability, nothing to hold onto.
He didn't really start to gain a sense of team identity until Ikki and Yayoi showed up. They ended up being the starting point where Katou really started to build up a life at Aather at all, really. They were immediately easier to relate to, easier to get along with. But it still was a while before he really felt comfortable, because people had come and go before. One of the major turning points was when Katou realized he was the senior member of Turquoise and didn't want the responsibility, so Yayoi took it.
There were other things that have affected his relationship with his team- Luke/Dawn jesus'd Katou into talking more about his memories with his teammates and trusting them with more of himSELF (although he's still bad at it). But these are basically the roots of where Turquoise stopped being meaningless to Katou and started being a fucked up, dysfunctional family unit for him… although he doesn't think of them in terms of "family, just… They're Turquoise. They're a group of individuals with their own lives/wants/needs, but at the end of the day, they're a unit. A place to go home to. They're the rescue boat Katou was looking for, that he found as "Clue". They're still in the middle of the ocean, and the damned boat didn't come with a paddle, but it's a step up from a life saver.
Pretty much everyone since Yayoi/Ikki has had some level of importance to Katou. Yayoi is… c-complicated (Katou's feelings for Yayoi could be a separate essay themself, LET'S NOT GO THERE), but she's basically ended up a combination of sister/leader/HUGE CRUSHthing. Ikki is TurqBro4Lyfe, even though he's been Book'd. Paul is some sort of of little brotherthing he never wanted and he loves to antagonize and annoy the crap out of (but no you can't seriously fuck with him, that's Katou's job screw you). Rolo is… kind of a stabalizing factor. In the end, he's the most level-headed person in the group, and he's well-grounded and unassuming… and kind of needs to learn to have more fun and let loose, but you can't have everything. Rin… Katou was a little jealous of Rin because of his relationship with Yayoi, but he really couldn't help liking him anyhow because he was like an overeager puppy that could set fire to things. Echo is that weird cousin you don't really understand all that well and sits in the corner and STARES AT YOU, but she doesn't seem like a bad sort. Tsuyu and Sakura are the babies so far, he doesn't have a firm grasp on them yet… but he'd totally have the hots for Sakura if he wasn't so into Yayoi because badass chicks are really awesome, okay.
So why does he still cling to his obssessive devotion to Kiracifer? Part of it is remembering his devotion to Kira, part of it is wanting to hold onto something solid- he does worry that the boat will capsize, and he'll lose everything with Turquoise, and Kiracifer's presence is something stabalizing to hold onto from his memoreis. He knows Kiracifer isn't the same as Kira- more recent memories have driven THAT point home- but he can't let go. He knows Lucifer is dangerous, doesn't trust him, but he CAN'T LET GO.
I don't know, I've really lost myself in this and I don't know if any of this makes any sense to anyone who isn't me. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY POINT WAS. I had one and then I lost it, whoops. You know what? If someone has questions for me just.... ask them...
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/rolls in this essay
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